My blog

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I’ve started many posts recently that I haven’t been able to finish so I am contemplating putting everything into a book so that I’m not focusing on a snapshot of how I feel… I am wondering if this would be any help to people in understanding aspergers and autism… I’d love to her back from you guys as to whether you would want that…
I will include every aspect of life and personality traits that I can…

Challenges of concentration…

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I think I am quite lucky in the fact that I know many ASP people who cannot “switch off” to noise.
If I am at work and the door in banging over and over quite often I don’t hear it at all, someone will come in and say “how can you listen to that banging!?!”…
This has only happened since I have had children though, and I think this may be a self preservation thing, as if I couldn’t switch off to them at all I would go absolutely mental!

I find at work, little breaks my concentration, however… There are two three things that I cannot stand that will drive me to a massive screaming fit! (Nearly anyway!!!)

1. Nerf guns….
Whoever invented nerf guns should be very ashamed of themselves…. I can stand about three clicks of the trigger before it has to go away. They are guns that click and fire foam bullets so you have “click click click” and “thud thud thud”… That, I cannot hear… It literally turns me into the hulk… And the kids even make fun of me and happily tell their friends it sends me mad… Thanks!

2. High pitched moaning….
It seems people who have asp tend to go into this horrific high pitched stream of noise when they are wound up, ESP if they’re little, or female….
I had to learn to stop this noise as it drove my mum (she’s normal!) mad… Now, if my kids come to me making that sound I have to tell them I literally can’t hear a word they’re saying…

3. Children fighting….mainly in the back of a car….
Having kids talk at me and over the top of each other is too much to deal with… It feels like my head will explode….

So, these are the things in my day to day life that actually stop me from working as a person!! Haha!

At work, I get so engrossed in what I’m Doing that nothing puts me off… This has become humorous to people I work with as they can make me jump… It doesn’t bother me… It’s nice to have a bit of banter as they say!!!
That is, unless its boring me, in which case I switch off just as easily but do… Nothing….

I find I go in phases….. I love something and I throw myself into it then one day I just stop… It’s took me 4 attempts to finish university… Don’t get me wrong, I love it! And I want to do that as a job more than anything! But, the first two years was spent at a nice small uni outlet, the last one was in the main building itself where, if I’m honest, I struggled to walk down the corridor!!!
It was such an awful daunting place that I left… And that’s a shame, as I could be in a better career now!!!!
I’m going back in September to face my fears!

So, I have no problem concentrating on something I enjoy, but the second I learn it or don’t enjoy it I am just as capable of giving up….

This leads to lifelong frustrations as I grow older and still have achieved nothing except having kids (whom you can’t give up on!)

It takes many many personal reflections, many sleepless nights and many toilet breaks to build yourself up to me more than someone who sits at home on the Internet eating biscuits and smoking.
It’s not as easy for us to stay in a job or get far in life because the challenges make your brain switch off to life and you have to actively go against your natural state to force yourself to do it… Which causes distress… And as we all know, forcing ourselves to have distress is not part of human nature.. But the results if we don’t do that are an unfulfilled life…tricky…

We will reach our goals if we learn to force ourselves to concentrate without shutting down… Have a life without obsessing, stay in education and enjoy all subjects… Without such obsessive highs and lows we will probably find that we can power through it… So, have an obsessive hobby, but don’t let that be your career, or partner, as if you do, it will only lead to a meltdown, and then your life suffers…
Have hobbies you can throw away, get bored of and research.. That will keep your natural state happy! But let the rest be a middle of the road… Bit of obsessiveness but then chilling out when you need to.

Hope that made sense!!!!!! I’m off to eat some biscuits 😉

Being too trusting

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I always thought I was good at reading people, I have learnt how to behave and what to look for in people… Or so I thought… That is, until I found out I had been used for 18 months…. I loved and trusted this person only to find out that he plays games, and that everything I thought was a game.

This has massively knocked my confidence in what I thought I knew about people. It isn’t right to trust everyone you meet, but maybe as people who look for other people’s emotions maybe we can look and see…are their behaviours too perfect like ours??

I thought that this person was Aspergers and that’s why his behaviour was like mine, but it turns out that the reason his behaviour was like mine was because he was lying… And I never realised it. I let him, because I thought that he meant what he said…

I trusted him and have him everything for all that time and I can safely say that yes, Aspergers people can feel heartbroken… Probably because its a selfish feeling… But, I do.

I never realised there were people who play on the emotions of others to get gain for themselves…not for such a long period of time.

I don’t understand why you would want to mimic emotions if your lucky enough to have them I. The first place.

Be very careful who you trust, sometimes it’s harder to break away and hurt yourself.. But it’s better to be exploited.

2012 in review

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,200 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 7 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Happy New Year

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As the New Year approaches its time to think about what we have learnt over the last year… As a parent, as an individual, as a friend, as a partner.
Whether we have Aspergers or not, autism or not, today is a good time to think about how our behaviour has affected those close to us. What kind of people we choose to hang around with and ultimately, mimic… What we want in life and where we want to be this time next year.

I have learnt a lot about myself I think in the last few months, writing this has helped put things into perspective and I have accepted the fact that I am selfish… This sounds ridiculous and, is not an excuse, but merely by accepting that I can then actively seek to not be rather than blaming surrounds, timings, people..etc.

Next year I will be following the routines and lists again. I will be making a conscious effort to budget plan. (Debt is something I struggle with) I will ensure that I do not use my children as an excuse for my disorganisation…. Because in all fairness, if I organised them, they would be organised!

I will try and be honest with other people. My best friend who I mentioned earlier on in my blog got back in touch, and I will make the effort to never let her down again.
I will be honest when it comes to relationships… I won’t lead people on, and especially, I will be happy enough in myself to not seek self worth in relationships.

I will say no, if I mean no….and not be afraid of other people’s response to that word…

I will finish university, or at least, start my third year, so I can become more than a pencil pusher in a job that will lead to nowhere.

Most importantly I think, I will keep doing the good things I started this year. Sometimes we can say that we are only going to change in new year… But I bet we have all done things to be proud of…and ,at be if we start 2013 this time by saying “I am proud of what I have achieved this year…lets work on being proud next year” we will feel far better about ourselves than if we only try and think of the things we need to stop/start.

So, for this new year…. Congratulations for what we have all achieved, and may you find even more happiness in the year to come. With yourself, and others.

They’re not my pants…..

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Well…. It’s all come to a bit of a head this morning…. I said to myself I would get the routines out again and I think, as much as I don’t want to admit this, I am going to have too!

We all had a massive unnecessary argument is morning (all being me and my kids…me probably being the most childish!) we were….. Forty mins late for school and I was an hour late for work…

Why? Because they weren’t his right pants.

I’m sure many of you know that when things aren’t going the way an asp wants it is…unpleasant…for most people around them.

I try not to let my traits pop out at home but I failed miserably this morning when I was late, needed things to be done my way and…out of the blue tears and screaming from upstairs occurred because my youngest son was wearing my asp sons pants.

This really isn’t a big deal…they share a drawer and this hasn’t been a problem before but it was today! My eldest son came down as everyone else was ready refusing to get dressed because his brother was wearing the pants he had mentally allocated for today. I was not about to make my son get undressed to remove the pants …. But, now, the ten minutes given to get dressed was now twenty, the dog threw up on my shoe (again) and it all went wrong as I felt the familiar bubble of not coping rising to the surface!!!!

I threw my toys out the pram…at the kids… The kids threw their toys back and what ended up was me driving in silence while everyone sat looking blankly at me.

So… Yes, the routines need to come back into play… Lets get our clothes ready the night before shall we, because, I need them to follow my routine!!!

Oh dear!

Sometimes I wonder whether Aspergers helps me cope….

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Recently I have been wondering whether having Aspergers has actually helped me, or is helping me, cope with my life.

I have three kids, three jobs, dogs, a 54 mile round trip to work, endless home jobs, and to make it worse… Loneliness.

I wake up at 6:30 and when I finish its 11:30pm, I sit down, pass out and go to bed… I never have a thank you, never have a nice evening with a loved one watching a film (kids excluded) I just do my jobs and go to bed, usually alone!

The only rest I have is every other weekend when my kids go to their dads… I never worry or miss them, believe me, this isn’t because I don’t love them but I know the are safe and well looked after and quite frankly, after 13 days of 17 hours straight every day of work I am gagging for the rest.

This time to me is precious, I do whatever I want, I can drink, I can stay out all night (I usually don’t, but I can!) I can lay in til 10am!!! I can do whatever I like but, I have to admit….. I am lonely. Very lonely a lot of the time. I miss someone to eat with, someone to give me a hug if I cry, someone to care about me. I can’t offload my fears and anxieties on my kids, I must be strong and happy and, while I cry occasionally in front of them to let them see I’m human, I.e. when the cats got run over (both in one week) but I will never cry in front of them because I can’t cope. That’s unfair to them.

To sit down in the evening, exhausted, to the sound of my own breathing, is… Horrible at times.
People always ask “I don’t know how you do it!!! How do you cope?” I think the answer is …. What choice do I have?
The one thing having Aspergers has blessed me with is the one thing people hate about it… I can switch off.
When I think, I’m so, so terribly lonely, I can flip it off and go… Ah well! Move on! Boring!! And I think this is how I can cope.
By existing in the empty… By living in the box, unless I choose not too.
I have forgotten two whole years of my life. Can’t remember anything.. And, maybe this is something I like about being me… Because to be honest, if I could really feel these feelings, like physically feel emotions, or if i couldnt turn it off…I think I’d be far worse a person emotionally, both in parenting, and in life.